Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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