I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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