Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
