Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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