I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
