Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
