I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
