I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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