Duck Duck Cougar?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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