I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
