My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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