I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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