just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
