Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
