i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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