I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
