Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
