I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
