Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
