she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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