They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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