Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
