Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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