Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Two words: blizzard sex
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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