You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
