Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
