Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
