Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
