I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
