Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
