well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
