I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
