my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
