He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
