you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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