I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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