i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
