I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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