My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
