4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My penis needs a shock collar
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
