I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize