Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
