I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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