We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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