I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
