I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
