my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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