I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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