Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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