FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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