Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She bit a glass in half.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
