Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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