I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
