there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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