wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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