Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
