Tell her she can't have a vagina
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
