My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
